If That is What You Wish
by Blazichu
Summary: Gohan's POV. I've learned a lot, over the past few years, but the lesson that has stayed with me the longest is this: when my father tells you to do something, you listen.


Hm…a little odd, and written under the influence of benadryl, I'll admit, but I don't think this turned out half bad. Points to anybody who understands the reference in the title (and, by extension, the irony of said title).

* * *

Do you want to know something funny? Even though, back when all of this saiyan madness started, everything fell to pieces- I was kidnapped twice in one day, I battled against my insane uncle, my father died- I never really considered the weight of a person's actions. I was scared, sure; what sane four-year-old wouldn't be? But, in a weird way, I was happy. Not that any of that happened- except, maybe, being kidnapped by Mr. Piccolo- but I had faith in my father; he could do no wrong.

I don't know when my way of thinking changed, _exactly_. It probably happened during my survival training, or, if I'm horribly mistaken, maybe while I was training with Piccolo, for the first few months. My self-confidence wasn't particularly high, but I'd begun to realize that I could make my own decisions; I didn't have to accept what life- or another person- threw at me (or, in one specific case, told me).

Roughly a year after my training started, I was thrown another curveball. I'd trained so hard—why couldn't I finish Nappa? Now, I can look back at the incident and know that it was my stupid heroic tenancies: the want to save everybody. Of all the characteristics in the known universe, I was (and still am, I suppose) as pacifistic as a saiyan can get. That was when I first became acquainted with a word; I'd heard it before, don't get me wrong, but it had never been leveled at me like this. Certainly never by a loved one- and Piccolo already counted. Even to this day, I flinch, at the very least, whenever someone says it in reference to a friend or my family.

Coward.

Coward. Coward. Coward.

It would haunt me for years to come.

I swore, after that, that I wouldn't let fear get the better of me- the fear of hurting another sapient being. I'm unsure whether or not Piccolo believed me, when I told him that; he probably just wanted me to be quiet, so we could regroup and take another stab at defeating the saiyans. Even though the wound still stung, I chalked it up to frustration from the ongoing battle and let it go. Mr. Piccolo couldn't mean it, right? I was trying my best, he wouldn't call me a coward for not being _able_ to do something, would he?

But he died, defending me…and I snapped. I hit Nappa with everything I had, and it still wasn't enough. I was lucky that dad came, right then; if he hadn't, I'd have died right alongside my teacher… and he told Krillen and me to leave, to run away. I couldn't do that! Dad might have been powerful, but he didn't stand a chance against the saiyans! He insisted, though, and Krillen finally convinced me to relent. Even though I was low on energy- even after having been given half of a senzu- I ended up going right back. I couldn't leave dad; he was losing, he was _dying_! I fought with all my heart, back there, and it still wasn't enough.

It was like I couldn't even _move_; I hurt so badly, and was so tired, that it seemed physically impossible- and I knew much more about physics than more five-year-olds tended to. And there it was again- _that_ word- being aimed at me by my own father.

"_What are you, a _coward_? Gonna let all those people die for _nothing_? What did Piccolo teach you?"_

I didn't understand, at the time. Didn't 'daddy' understand that I _couldn't_? It wasn't possible! I'd _known_ basic science, and, all things considered, it really _didn't_ seem humanly possible. Perhaps I'd forgotten to factor in the _non-human_, and dad knew that, but it still stung.

We all know how that fight ended; in some ways, it was a definite failure, in others, it wasn't _all_ bad. It was in the hospital, following the battle, that I put part of my training to use.

What was I supposed to do? Mom was _never_ going to just _let_ me go to Planet Namek- no matter what the cause- and I just _had_ to help Piccolo! She might not have liked it, but I was able to assert myself, for the first time against another person.

It was, of course, on that very planet where I realized something else: if I wanted my father to be proud of me, I had to do what he _wanted_ me to do. If I tried to stick around and be brave, and he'd told me not to, I was a hindrance—just another obstacle to avoid. But if I even wavered in an attack- as I'm still prone to doing- I was a coward, all over again. So, when dad shouted at me to take Piccolo back to his ship, I only paused for a moment…which was all he needed.

"_Go before I explode in rage!"_

Since then, I've learned better. Don't hesitate. Follow orders. It was easier than fighting- and I really _do_ hate conflict, especially with my parents. But now… after so many years of back-and-forth, I'm confused.

Me? Fight Cell?

Dad _has_ to be joking!

Oh, Ka- er, Dende, he's not kidding. He really wants me to fight. What can I do, if he can't defeat Cell? Power? Sure, I have plenty of that- I'd really rather not, but thanks anyway. But I'm just the coward, remember? I'm sure to screw something up, somewhere. Should I speak up for myself, and refuse? That would mean the end of the world…and was more spineless than mistake I might have made in the past. If I fight, though, I'd surely die…

While dad's confidence in me is flattering, I have to appreciate Piccolo's concern, off to the side. I was thinking the same way, after all. But…I really want dad to be proud of me. I'd rather it was for some other reason, but beggars can't be choosers, right?

I can tell that I've already spent too long thinking. Dad's looking at me, waiting for my answer.

I can't refuse, I buckle under the pressure. If my father wants me to do this, who am I to say 'no'? Is it any position of the son's, to go against his father's orders?

Forgive me, Mr. Piccolo, I'm about to break that promise I made to you. I'm about to die.

"Okay, dad, I'll do it"


End file.
